Air transportation can be a giant pain in the ass, but it certainly doesn’t have to be. There will always be something out of our control: traffic delays on the way to the airport, flight delays, weather, system malfunctions, etc. The one thing we can be in charge of his having our shit together when we travel. Whether you’re traveling for business or leisure, you should always be concious that the TSA line isn’t YOUR world that we’re all living in. Look…. you know who you are and this rant is dedicated to you.
First of all, please remember that the rules don’t change! You are not exempt. You are not special. TSA has to reiterate on repeat as a part of their job so LISTEN and don’t ask dumb questions – you’re holding up the line. (I’m a firm believer that there should just be two lines: One for people who know how to travel and one for everyone else.)
There are signs everywhere. LITERAL signs are printed, posted and framed in glass with giant pictures to help you comprehend the rules. Read the signs. (Or notice the look of annoyance from the people behind you…) Pay attention and be in the correct line. Don’t make my life/trip a living hell because you’re being flighty. Pun intended.
Don’t wear 851,672 articles of clothing + a belt + lace up combat boots if you can’t shed all of it in less than 10 seconds. Unless you’re TSA Pre-Check (congrats if you are), the shoes have to come off. THEY COME OFF FOR LESS THAN A MINUTE, you’ll be fine. Ladies, your knee-high gladiator sandals might be SUUUPS chic but I’m sure you can figure out another airport OOTD that isn’t going to ruin my experience. Guys, for the love of God STOP PUTTING SHIT IN YOUR POCKETS. When you leave your home to head to the airport, take your phone/wallet/32 cents in change and throw it in your backpack/man satchel. When you head to your gate, you may fill your pockets again.
You can’t bring a gallon of lotion, a can of red bull, or a half-empty bottle of Dasani. You CAN put them in your checked suitcase or toss them before you get to TSA because if you’re moronic enough to think you’re exempt from this rule you don’t deserve to bring them anyway. You get 3 glorious ounces of whatever liquid(s) you desperately need for this flight. You can bring as many of those tiny bottles as you’d like! (It’s not a coincidence that my little Tito’s vodka holders are called “Airplane Bottles”.) I’m telling you this now so next time you fly don’t tell your lovely TSA Officer that you had NO IDEA?!! That would make you an a-hole and a liar.
If you tend to have trouble remembering any of these simple rules, please print this out and put it in your passport holder. Other people have stuff going on in their lives when they choose to travel – sometimes great and sometimes unfortunate. Please don’t be “that guy” who destroys someone else’s experience. Remember: Air transportation can be a giant pain in the ass, but it certainly doesn’t have to be.
Kisses & Safe Travels,